Paralysis by Inertia

I don’t even know what country I’ll be living in in nine months. Not to mention what part of the country I’ll be living in, what job I will have (presumably) acquired, where I will be living, who my friends will be, or any other of the typical ‘unknowns.’ Which brings me to my recent aha! moment. I think the real mark of being an adult is the necessity of making huge, potentially life changing decisions without having a clue of what the future holds. 

Two years ago, I never anticipated needing to make a decision like this. A year ago, I was paralyzed by the (unconscious) need to make a decision like this. Six months ago, I threw up my hands, said ‘what the hell’ and made one of those decisions. Now, though, I’m needing to make decisions on an even more frequent basis and it is both terrifying and exhilarating. 

Recently, an extraordinary line startled me while reading a fairly average book. The line (which is now stuck to my wall on a blue PostIt note) says: "Here, I understood, was someone who would not allow me to take comfort in inertia." (The Aviator’s Wife). Decisions are not part of inertia. Decisions are part of action. 

Which, in an interesting turn of events, is something I thought about quite extensively about three years ago. Funny how things come back to haunt encourage you. 

I recently wrote a blog post about upcoming transitions in my life that I decided not to post - it seemed too ... something, pathetic maybe? Just before deleting it, a second unposted blog caught my attention. The above is an excerpt from that unposted blog I wrote back in January 2016. Below is the blog post I wrote two days ago.

A few months ago I got a Facebook message from a friend I made while studying abroad in Spain. She said she was reading back through her journal from that time, and didn't realize just how much she'd grown in those three months. It got me thinking. 

I knew from Day 1 that Spain was going to change me. The minute I hung up with my Dad (who was on an aircraft carrier and misappropriated military resources to call me*) and rode the escalator down to security at DIA, I knew this was a Moment. The Moments kept coming throughout my time in Spain, through the remainder of my time at SPU, and to London during what I like to call my "quarter life crisis". 

I slid into an excellent job after leaving London and and started to focus on what the culmination of the Moments I'd experienced meant. Where they were going to lead me now that I was settled, what I was going to do with myself now. I will admit that being back in Seattle felt both comforting and a bit odd. I had just made a huge move to do a huge thing, why was I going back? Not only back to Seattle, but back to SPU. I had to convince my prideful brain that this wasn't a step back, because it obviously wasn't. 

Flash forward a year and a half and my Moments collection has grown with very little resolution. I had, and still have, very little idea where these Moments are taking me. And if my irrationally prideful brain had a hard time moving back to Seattle, how do you think it feels moving back to Colorado and returning to the company I was with prior to moving to London? (Consider this my announcement.) 

Decisions have never been my strong suit (ask anyone who has taken me to dinner recently). Big, life changing decisions affect all of those closest to me and send me into a tailspin of anxiety, fear of disappointing others, anticipation, and the ever-present struggle of balancing practicality and dream-following. I have to acknowledge that this is another Moment. I am not moving backwards, I am taking a giant leap forward. Rather than reacting to my circumstances, I am making a proactive decision.

Apparently I need to work on remembering key life discoveries for more than a minute and a half.

I recently read a book with a quote that jumped out at me (shocker, I know): “I’ve never travelled,” I told her. “Oh, you absolutely should,” she insisted, “if only so that you can come home and really see it for what it is. That’s my favourite part.” (Circling the Sun).**

Here's to seeing home for what it really is. See you soon.



*My Dad wants any DOD agents reading this to know he actually had permission to call me.
**Original text, British spelling included, maintained intentionally.